Fall Semester :-)

I don't even know what to say right now. This is not the first time I have stared at a blank screen or a piece of paper. It's only the first time I ...I stopped for a moment to regroup. The first time I stopped long enough to be honest. I take that back. I've always been honest. The problem is...I can't remember. God help me for what I am about to remember. Let's start from the beginning because I am unclear when the abuse started. I have never even said that word and my name in the same sentence. But I have been crying all night and I don't know why. As I research I am nauseated. I have random images of nothing specific and I cry uncontrollably. I feel like I cannot breathe right now. I take a break from my thoughts and the strange thing that creeps in to my mind is ssshhhh, or someone will hear your silly thoughts. No one will believe you. I don't really know who abused me. There were so many men in my life...some were not even prominent...but left an imprint. I'm stopping because I can't see through the tears...very weird. OK the first memory I have is of my mother "rescuing" me as a baby in a crib. Probably nothing, but an awkward visual in my mind. My mother says there is no way I could remember this...I recall the placement of my crib and my recently passed great grandmother's organ...the window...my mother's nightgown...I was so scared. I was...as my mother recalls...about a year old. I only remember crying, and my mother "walking and bouncing" me back to sleep. This is very vivid and I'm not sure why. Next memory is waking up in my "babysitters" room with her husband. I remember Johnny Carson and counting sheep. And now...never mind. He's fat and he has brown hair and when my babysitter wakes up I am in the playroom...she says
I am sleep walking.
I am in trouble. I know this sounds silly but this is the first time I ever wish upon a star. I don't even remember what I wished for...but I was in my nightgown...and my babysitter was mad that I was awake...and I was afraid of her hairy husband in his underwear. A few years later my mom has a best friend. She has a daycare business. I love Donna with all my heart I trust her as someone to take care of me. One day she collapses against the wall. She is drunk all the time... I am 8 or 9, and immediately I feel an urgency to help. I am scolded for calling 911. We are at a wedding for someone in Donna's family. My Mom says I am not allowed to go "over there" but for some reason I remember going "over there" to the guest house. Mostly it was empty except for Ricky.
He has a daughter named Sarah and he plays guitar. Ye's yucky too. That's why I wasn't supposed to go there.

Christina Aguilera and the "National Anthem"

HONESTLY! The negative reaction of Christina Aguilera's Anthem is killing me!!!! You all are missing the big picture here. Randall put it in perspective for me (without knowing it) Sorry baby (we see this situation differently)...If it had been children singing out of tune and skipping verses, it would be different. Yes,I realize they would be innocent offenders, but IS IT NOT the symbolism of the song that has the impact? If they had skipped a verse would you shun them for their effort? I'm not saying she is a child. YES I think she is at fault for screwing up the words. But do you really think she arrived at the Super bowl with millions of people watching with the intention to "American Idol" the National Anthem? Absolutely not! She arrived feeling honored, and probably nervous. Several people said "she must be on drugs". SHAME ON YOU for placing judgement. You have no reason to believe she is on drugs unless you are her mother, her father, her sister, her brother, or her best friend. Stop reading the Enquirer! People complain about her runs...changing the melody...my Grandfathers were all Veterans and they are probably rolling over in their graves. HOWEVER, her voice resonated emotion with ME. I missed the "omitted" or "altered" because I was so caught up in the moment. Watching the players sway and look up as if to thank God for their opportunity. Imagining seeing an immense audience on their feet for the same reason. The thought of how many people were sitting in their homes, enjoying their freedom, with their families, and their Super bowl grub. I was feeling grateful for those that have made my way of life possible, not worrying about if Christina Aguilera is "worthy" of the National Anthem. I realize that veterans see it as an insult, but that just means they are missing the big picture too. Should we all halt to the original version ( I am meaning melody, not lyrics) of The National Anthem because it was first? Wasn't this country founded on creative thinking? If we all stand so firmly in tradition (or religion, or whatever it is that has shaped us) that we cannot examine...well then... YOU LOSE! When the towers fell did we not...as a country...forgive the misunderstandings and miscommunication of that horrible day and the months that preceded it? NOPE! Because THAT'S NOT THE POINT! If we all stuck to tradition 100% of the time, we'd all still be picking huckleberries off the tree in our birthday suits...and if you just so happened to be traveling on the Mormon trek west, you'd still have a few wives...or a few sister wives...Thank goodness for BIG THINKERS! That's all I can come up with now...sorry :-)

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.
~Peter F. Drucker

Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in actions.
~Harold S. Geneen

I still love this song...reminds me of high school :-)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you
but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried,
must have been relieved
to see the softer side
I can understand
how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm an angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Euphoria

I can't even explain what an amazing change this new job has had on my life. It's not even that the job itself made that significant of an impact (although it's great), but I think the tough decision of cutting back on the job I hate to pursue my true passion in depth has made all the difference in my stress levels. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but each day as I sit in class, learning about strategies for struggling readers, ideas for gifted students, integrating arts into the curriculum, it's like my brain goes crazy. I feel a little euphoric walking through the halls of the elementary with things to do that will enhance the students' learning. I am a more patient mother, more focused, I have more energy, and I'm just, well, happier! (I'm sure come March I'll be exhausted again) But for now, I'm gonna indulge myself !