“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
~Jan Glidewell
I'll never forget when I hit the 100 lb. mark. At 5'1 I was an 8th grader in Junior High. I had quit gymnastics several months earlier and went from 4'9 and 80 lb to 5'1 and 100 lb in about a year. I went back to the gym to say hello to old friends. One of my best friends says, " Jiani (my coach) said you look like a cow". I was devastated. In high school I reached 110-118, and as a cheerleader and athlete I felt "big". After high school I was seeing someone I was very interested in. One day in his truck I was talking about working out. He tells me "You look pretty good....but you needto tone up a little. You know that though.." At 125 lb and 5'4 I gave myself whatI though wasa reality check. "WOW you really are fat." I remained at around 123-127 until the birth of my first child. Weighing in at around 190 only a few weeks before hewas born, I was certain the weight would not come off. But, after breast feeding and eating healthy I was down to 127 within 6 months....yet still feeling "FAT". When baby daddy and I split, I got down to 116 and felt phenomenal. Shopping for a wedding dress at 128 a few years later was a nightmare. I should be a size 3 and now I'm a 5. Sounds stupid but at that moment I was again discouraged about weight gain. When my 2nd son was born I gained a mere 31 lb. That is what the doctor's say is healthy so I was satisfied. All my eating right and exersizing during pregnancy had paid off. 6 months after delivery I was back down to 132. I stayed around 130 after that pregnancy and although I was down to pre-pregnancy weight, I still felt a big lack of confidence through my weight gain, stretch marks, cellulite, ect...In 2005 I was sick of being "overweight" at 133 lb. I joined a gym for the first time in my life (except of course the real thing....gmnastics). I worked out 5 days a week for an hour or more...juiced....ate healthy...In 6 months I was back down to about 128. 5 lb lost? Really? I felt good but again was discouraged. After my divorce I lost a little but regained it quick. This would be the year that I went back to school, began working full time (stopped going to the gym and ate whatever I could grab and go), and met Randall. In the 3 1/2 years we have been together I have let myself slip to 147 lb. At 5'4" that is nearly "obese". In the last 3 years I have tried and failed at attempts to get back to a healthy weight. I know it's a lifestyle change, but I have a hard time with it. So with the New Year and a convenient reason to regain controll of my body I will attempt to lose 20 lb. People say...you don't need to lose 20 lb OR 20 lb is a lot. Either way I know that is a healthy weight for me. 2 weeks ago we had a friend over. I was talking about getting back into shape and losing 20 lb. He seemed disgusted at first that I would want to lose that much. I told him it wasn't about the numbers (although they are an indicator). I just wanted to feel good. Not good...actually great. He replied that he could understand where I was coming from because deep down I remember and I know what it feels like to be a strong gymnast. He said he thinks that I know what it feels like to have the body of an athlete so I'll always strive for that. WOW hadn't thought of it that way. In my own mind, I was fat at 87 lb in the gym weigh ins at 11. I was fat as 100 lb at 13. I wasfat at 118 as a sophomore, 125 as a mom, 133 as a mom of 2, and147 as the owner of 3 jobs, a student, a mother, and a soul mate.
