The Depression Beast

I am now lifting from a 4 day depressive episode.  Unfortunately my depressive periods do not always accompany a manic episode, although I am thinking that this time, it is happening.  I know this because I want to write.  When this happens, I feel like I want to write a book.  I feel so embarrassed.  I feel so crazy.  I have been mostly inattentive and cold for 4 days.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, communicate, get out of bed, or even be alive.  I did.  It felt hard, but I crawled out of bed around noon, made myself eat around 2, wandered around the garden around 5, made dinner about 7, and felt relief when it was 10 and everyone was heading to bed.  I made it through another day.  Now it is late and that is when the negative comes out.  That's okay, as long as I can deal with it alone and no one has to witness my weakness.  If anyone was to see what happens when everyone is asleep, they would surely think I was out of my mind.  Ironically, now everyone knows.  In the last 4 days, for no reason that I can see, I hated myself.  I was disgusted with myself.  I wanted to die.  My friends say I am beautiful.  My mother says I am perfect.  My husband says nothing.  With the exception of talking about himself.  He says I love you, but I know he thinks I am weak and not good enough.  He doesn't have to say it.  I can feel it.  My son can feel it.  He is irritated by us. Maybe it is just the depression talking.  This isn't the first time I have felt this way.  I just get good at minimizing it.  I thought of taking my life everyday.  It sounds so stupid now, but it made sense 24 hours ago.  I say this not because I want people to come to my rescue, but because I don't think people understand that it is not a choice to feel like shit.  It is a dangerous thought to entertain, and I try to push it away, but it WILL NOT relent.  The only thing that keeps me afloat is my children.  They have no idea I feel this way.  I hope I can keep on, be strong for them, and be a good example.   If I were to say a prayer, it would be to myself...Jamie love yourself...you are worth it...you are okay...you are lovely.