End of Days

Over the last year, I have felt lower than I thought was possible. I adore my job.  I love my children.  I cherish my husband.  I have gained 40 pounds over the last 10 years.  I feel disgusting and unappreciated.  My chemical imbalances have made me unstable and addicted in so many ways,  Early ovarian failure and a sudden drop in estrogen certainly doesn't excuse everything. I am habitually exhausted and feel no desire to improve my situation.  To be honest, I think about suicide daily.  It is not reasonable, and would hurt so many people.  Sometimes I just want to be selfish and feel my own relief.  Sometimes I don't think it really matters if Im here or not.  There is no ending to this post...It is what it is.

Repression

My demon arises every 6 months or so, reminding me that something has happened and it wasn't was my fault.  I don't have memories, I have post traumatic stress and dreams.  It has increased over the years, and with every year that passes, I feel more and more guilt, shame, and irresponsibility in  my personal relationships.  I also regain more memory as the years pass.  That small little dick with a fat belly rubbing against my back.  I know my panties were on at first, and my nightgown always stayed on.  The room was blue. I started wearing socks to bed, as if they would protect me.  I started sleeping with the hall light on, but he didn't live in my home.  I remember being scolded for fondling my friend at 7.  I don't know why I would do that.  I remember feeling aroused when my other friend and I played babies as we breastfed them.   I regularly used my stuffed animals for stimulation. My dreams now consist of being little, naked, and helpless.  Sometimes I am an adult.  There is usually a man exposing himself, unassuming like.  That's all for now.  Good night.

The Depression Beast

I am now lifting from a 4 day depressive episode.  Unfortunately my depressive periods do not always accompany a manic episode, although I am thinking that this time, it is happening.  I know this because I want to write.  When this happens, I feel like I want to write a book.  I feel so embarrassed.  I feel so crazy.  I have been mostly inattentive and cold for 4 days.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, communicate, get out of bed, or even be alive.  I did.  It felt hard, but I crawled out of bed around noon, made myself eat around 2, wandered around the garden around 5, made dinner about 7, and felt relief when it was 10 and everyone was heading to bed.  I made it through another day.  Now it is late and that is when the negative comes out.  That's okay, as long as I can deal with it alone and no one has to witness my weakness.  If anyone was to see what happens when everyone is asleep, they would surely think I was out of my mind.  Ironically, now everyone knows.  In the last 4 days, for no reason that I can see, I hated myself.  I was disgusted with myself.  I wanted to die.  My friends say I am beautiful.  My mother says I am perfect.  My husband says nothing.  With the exception of talking about himself.  He says I love you, but I know he thinks I am weak and not good enough.  He doesn't have to say it.  I can feel it.  My son can feel it.  He is irritated by us. Maybe it is just the depression talking.  This isn't the first time I have felt this way.  I just get good at minimizing it.  I thought of taking my life everyday.  It sounds so stupid now, but it made sense 24 hours ago.  I say this not because I want people to come to my rescue, but because I don't think people understand that it is not a choice to feel like shit.  It is a dangerous thought to entertain, and I try to push it away, but it WILL NOT relent.  The only thing that keeps me afloat is my children.  They have no idea I feel this way.  I hope I can keep on, be strong for them, and be a good example.   If I were to say a prayer, it would be to myself...Jamie love yourself...you are worth it...you are okay...you are lovely.

Crazy

I had an insatiable need to write tonight.  For some reason, this makes me feel guilty.  I don't ever want to feel guilt for writing.  I've been putting it off, because I tell myself that I should be in bed.  Last week, I knew I needed to do laundry, the week before was another excuse.  My husband will be up soon and I'm sure he'll wonder what the hell I'm still doing up.  So now it is 3:58 AM.  I came across the picture above when I googled "Am I Crazy".   When I say that out loud, it's embarrassing.  I mean what will people think?  I don't think I need google's verification that indeed, I am different, but sometimes it's interesting to see what comes up.  I probably am crazy.  Why would I question myself if really I didn't already know.  "It" runs in the family.  I'd rather think of myself as a thinker.  An "out of the box" thinker. I have never felt "normal".  Maybe because my momma always told me I was special.  I was a hyper and needy child.  I would do anything for attention.  I groomed myself to be polite, charming, and charismatic.  Mom made me believe I was caring, smart, hard-working,  and intuitive.  I don't remember her ever telling me that I was beautiful or pretty.  I'm certain that she did, but what I remembered was that she said I was kind, loving, and smart.  And I believed her.  Maybe I wasn't.  I'll never know.  But because I trusted and valued her, I grew up attaching these qualities to myself.  

My journey growing up made me question myself.  I was faced with choices and opportunities that I believed to be unique to me.  Indeed I had tough situations that forced me into a life I knew nothing about. I'm sure all teens go through this, at least to some extent.  But even my young self had so much volume, and I think that quality created a damaged psyche.  My own personality enhanced the unfortunate events I was faced with.  My bad choices left me in an inescapable state of guilt and shame.  My mother calls me an empath.  I do feel deeply...mostly from others.  I feel a person I do not know in a room.  I can't read their mind, but if they are feeling anything strong, I usually feel it too.  It doesn't mean that I can "feel their pain...or joy", I just feel an energy.  Sometimes it makes me nauseous.  I have to at least consider the fact that maybe I was just an emotional child.  Others could say that I am dramatic. No one wants to be labeled as a drama queen.  I have made many choices.  I read into them, then out of them.  Then I dig back in to try and give myself closure.  I started to realize that every time I tried to excavate...the walls got thicker.   This makes things easier.  And it make things harder.  

As a teen I was capable of loving deeply.  Giving myself.  Putting 100% into the physical and also emotional side of a relationship.  Emotionally, I was usually more mature than my partners. Sexually, I was more mature than their last partner.  The physical was really the only part that made sense to me.  Most of the boys I was involved with were eventually turned off by my intense attachment.  Some fell in love with me.  I never liked the ones that were nice back.  Actually, I loved them the most, but knew that I didn't deserve them.   Even in abusive relationships I felt some kind of commitment to please.   I would do anything.  I was my husband's dream.  I would never say no to anything.  This opened up the door for abuse and humiliation.  I took pride in sacrificing myself...over and over...and over.  I thought this would bring me an equal amount of commitment, loyalty, and love.  

All of this "logic" put aside, I still have memories of feeling sexually uncomfortable in many settings and over time.  As I research, I discount my gut...women WILL remember abuse, they just don't want to admit it.  Amnesia from trauma is highly unlikely.  If something happened to me, I would remember.  Especially since my memory is so vivid during most of my childhood.  Right?

So my sexual expertise at 11 is natural.  Hiding in my bed under the covers with my panties off with my teddy bear's mouth in my vagina must be "experimenting" when you are 6.  Waking up in my babysitters room that she shares with her husband and feeling extreme shame as he orders me out of the room is probably just me sleepwalking.  After being ordered out, I wandered into the playroom and wished upon a star that my mom would get off early and come get me.  I cried and cried. I remember the conversation she had with my mom. " She sleepwalks a lot".  Maybe that was it.  
On another note, I have memories with great grandpa.  Spoon feeding me Rum because my cough is so bad.  Sitting on the counter in his t-shirt, gagging.  I see the bottle, and I see the spoon.  I see his baby blue sheets and his messy bathroom.  I remember wishing that grandma Alice could come back and sleep with Grandpa.  I remember crying in his bathroom.  But I trust my Grandpa, even in his passing.  Although the circumstances make me question things, really I know that he was just taking care of me when my Mom was working late.  He is not the perpetrator. 

All of this regurgitation has been triggered by my husband's innocent and subtle request for answers.   He sent me an innocent article reminding of a sex life.  Initially I was really aggravated, sex is so superficial...like a nice car or a new couch.  It feels good for a minute, but then it's over.  Then I realized that my need for knowledge, expression, and meaning in life that is my feel good,  is his equivalent to sex.   If I love you, and you love me, and we are attracted to eachother...not only that...we adore eachother...why does it seem impossible for me to show even a little affection, let alone desire sex with my loving husband?  Why the fuck am I so crazy?  Why do I resist sex after commitment has been made?  

Is it my way of controlling my environment? Am I a narcissist? I hear they like to have their cake and eat it too.  I feel selfish.  I tried counseling (more than once).  In my first marriage, and in desperation to find a cure for my sexual dysfunction,  I sought out the only licensed psychologist in Cedar City.  I arrived in his office like a deer in the headlights with a $100 bill in my pocket.  I confessed that I do not have a desire to have sex with my husband, and I don't know what to do.   Here's what he told me:
Does your husband go to work? Yes.  Does he go everyday? Yes.  Does he provide for you and your children? Yes. What if he decided one day that he just wanted to stop.  He stopped working, stopped providing.  Would that be fair? No.  Well, you have a responsibility to your husband just as he has to you.  I left his office in tears and genuinely pissed off.

This post will go on...but for now I am tired.  My family is tired as they have felt my sadness over the last few months.  I need to energize the positive, and let it lift me up...otherwise I will surely fall in another hole. 

Sometimes when I feel like I am so stressed out; I just need to write (or blog...because it's faster than writing for me now). A recent tragedy helped me to take a step back and look at my own life. That is probably what prompted this post (which will veer off into many other directions... I apologize lol).

The last 2 weeks have been filled with uncertainty. Nothing in my own life has changed. My busy life goes on as usual. But a friend of mine lost her eldest 17 year old son in an accident. We have all heard of or maybe even been close to someone who has gone on too soon.

This one floored me. Maybe because I have children of my own. Children approaching the age of seeking acceptance have a human inescapable desire to be "accepted". This does not necessarily mean by their peers...although that is also a human need. However, it would take a STRONG positive environment in the home to counteract the effects of peer reject or LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR negative peer support.

Weight Loss

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

~Jan Glidewell

I'll never forget when I hit the 100 lb. mark. At 5'1 I was an 8th grader in Junior High. I had quit gymnastics several months earlier and went from 4'9 and 80 lb to 5'1 and 100 lb in about a year. I went back to the gym to say hello to old friends. One of my best friends says, " Jiani (my coach) said you look like a cow". I was devastated. In high school I reached 110-118, and as a cheerleader and athlete I felt "big". After high school I was seeing someone I was very interested in. One day in his truck I was talking about working out. He tells me "You look pretty good....but you needto tone up a little. You know that though.." At 125 lb and 5'4 I gave myself whatI though wasa reality check. "WOW you really are fat." I remained at around 123-127 until the birth of my first child. Weighing in at around 190 only a few weeks before hewas born, I was certain the weight would not come off. But, after breast feeding and eating healthy I was down to 127 within 6 months....yet still feeling "FAT". When baby daddy and I split, I got down to 116 and felt phenomenal. Shopping for a wedding dress at 128 a few years later was a nightmare. I should be a size 3 and now I'm a 5. Sounds stupid but at that moment I was again discouraged about weight gain. When my 2nd son was born I gained a mere 31 lb. That is what the doctor's say is healthy so I was satisfied. All my eating right and exersizing during pregnancy had paid off. 6 months after delivery I was back down to 132. I stayed around 130 after that pregnancy and although I was down to pre-pregnancy weight, I still felt a big lack of confidence through my weight gain, stretch marks, cellulite, ect...In 2005 I was sick of being "overweight" at 133 lb. I joined a gym for the first time in my life (except of course the real thing....gmnastics). I worked out 5 days a week for an hour or more...juiced....ate healthy...In 6 months I was back down to about 128. 5 lb lost? Really? I felt good but again was discouraged. After my divorce I lost a little but regained it quick. This would be the year that I went back to school, began working full time (stopped going to the gym and ate whatever I could grab and go), and met Randall. In the 3 1/2 years we have been together I have let myself slip to 147 lb. At 5'4" that is nearly "obese". In the last 3 years I have tried and failed at attempts to get back to a healthy weight. I know it's a lifestyle change, but I have a hard time with it. So with the New Year and a convenient reason to regain controll of my body I will attempt to lose 20 lb. People say...you don't need to lose 20 lb OR 20 lb is a lot. Either way I know that is a healthy weight for me. 2 weeks ago we had a friend over. I was talking about getting back into shape and losing 20 lb. He seemed disgusted at first that I would want to lose that much. I told him it wasn't about the numbers (although they are an indicator). I just wanted to feel good. Not good...actually great. He replied that he could understand where I was coming from because deep down I remember and I know what it feels like to be a strong gymnast. He said he thinks that I know what it feels like to have the body of an athlete so I'll always strive for that. WOW hadn't thought of it that way. In my own mind, I was fat at 87 lb in the gym weigh ins at 11. I was fat as 100 lb at 13. I wasfat at 118 as a sophomore, 125 as a mom, 133 as a mom of 2, and147 as the owner of 3 jobs, a student, a mother, and a soul mate.

Fall Semester :-)

I don't even know what to say right now. This is not the first time I have stared at a blank screen or a piece of paper. It's only the first time I ...I stopped for a moment to regroup. The first time I stopped long enough to be honest. I take that back. I've always been honest. The problem is...I can't remember. God help me for what I am about to remember. Let's start from the beginning because I am unclear when the abuse started. I have never even said that word and my name in the same sentence. But I have been crying all night and I don't know why. As I research I am nauseated. I have random images of nothing specific and I cry uncontrollably. I feel like I cannot breathe right now. I take a break from my thoughts and the strange thing that creeps in to my mind is ssshhhh, or someone will hear your silly thoughts. No one will believe you. I don't really know who abused me. There were so many men in my life...some were not even prominent...but left an imprint. I'm stopping because I can't see through the tears...very weird. OK the first memory I have is of my mother "rescuing" me as a baby in a crib. Probably nothing, but an awkward visual in my mind. My mother says there is no way I could remember this...I recall the placement of my crib and my recently passed great grandmother's organ...the window...my mother's nightgown...I was so scared. I was...as my mother recalls...about a year old. I only remember crying, and my mother "walking and bouncing" me back to sleep. This is very vivid and I'm not sure why. Next memory is waking up in my "babysitters" room with her husband. I remember Johnny Carson and counting sheep. And now...never mind. He's fat and he has brown hair and when my babysitter wakes up I am in the playroom...she says
I am sleep walking.
I am in trouble. I know this sounds silly but this is the first time I ever wish upon a star. I don't even remember what I wished for...but I was in my nightgown...and my babysitter was mad that I was awake...and I was afraid of her hairy husband in his underwear. A few years later my mom has a best friend. She has a daycare business. I love Donna with all my heart I trust her as someone to take care of me. One day she collapses against the wall. She is drunk all the time... I am 8 or 9, and immediately I feel an urgency to help. I am scolded for calling 911. We are at a wedding for someone in Donna's family. My Mom says I am not allowed to go "over there" but for some reason I remember going "over there" to the guest house. Mostly it was empty except for Ricky.
He has a daughter named Sarah and he plays guitar. Ye's yucky too. That's why I wasn't supposed to go there.

Christina Aguilera and the "National Anthem"

HONESTLY! The negative reaction of Christina Aguilera's Anthem is killing me!!!! You all are missing the big picture here. Randall put it in perspective for me (without knowing it) Sorry baby (we see this situation differently)...If it had been children singing out of tune and skipping verses, it would be different. Yes,I realize they would be innocent offenders, but IS IT NOT the symbolism of the song that has the impact? If they had skipped a verse would you shun them for their effort? I'm not saying she is a child. YES I think she is at fault for screwing up the words. But do you really think she arrived at the Super bowl with millions of people watching with the intention to "American Idol" the National Anthem? Absolutely not! She arrived feeling honored, and probably nervous. Several people said "she must be on drugs". SHAME ON YOU for placing judgement. You have no reason to believe she is on drugs unless you are her mother, her father, her sister, her brother, or her best friend. Stop reading the Enquirer! People complain about her runs...changing the melody...my Grandfathers were all Veterans and they are probably rolling over in their graves. HOWEVER, her voice resonated emotion with ME. I missed the "omitted" or "altered" because I was so caught up in the moment. Watching the players sway and look up as if to thank God for their opportunity. Imagining seeing an immense audience on their feet for the same reason. The thought of how many people were sitting in their homes, enjoying their freedom, with their families, and their Super bowl grub. I was feeling grateful for those that have made my way of life possible, not worrying about if Christina Aguilera is "worthy" of the National Anthem. I realize that veterans see it as an insult, but that just means they are missing the big picture too. Should we all halt to the original version ( I am meaning melody, not lyrics) of The National Anthem because it was first? Wasn't this country founded on creative thinking? If we all stand so firmly in tradition (or religion, or whatever it is that has shaped us) that we cannot examine...well then... YOU LOSE! When the towers fell did we not...as a country...forgive the misunderstandings and miscommunication of that horrible day and the months that preceded it? NOPE! Because THAT'S NOT THE POINT! If we all stuck to tradition 100% of the time, we'd all still be picking huckleberries off the tree in our birthday suits...and if you just so happened to be traveling on the Mormon trek west, you'd still have a few wives...or a few sister wives...Thank goodness for BIG THINKERS! That's all I can come up with now...sorry :-)

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.
~Peter F. Drucker

Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in actions.
~Harold S. Geneen

I still love this song...reminds me of high school :-)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you
but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried,
must have been relieved
to see the softer side
I can understand
how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm an angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Euphoria

I can't even explain what an amazing change this new job has had on my life. It's not even that the job itself made that significant of an impact (although it's great), but I think the tough decision of cutting back on the job I hate to pursue my true passion in depth has made all the difference in my stress levels. I know it's only the beginning of the semester, but each day as I sit in class, learning about strategies for struggling readers, ideas for gifted students, integrating arts into the curriculum, it's like my brain goes crazy. I feel a little euphoric walking through the halls of the elementary with things to do that will enhance the students' learning. I am a more patient mother, more focused, I have more energy, and I'm just, well, happier! (I'm sure come March I'll be exhausted again) But for now, I'm gonna indulge myself !

More quotes...sorry I love em :-)

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony.
Benjamin Britten

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
Jorge Luis Borges

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.
Victor Hugo

For me the greatest beauty always lies in the greatest clarity.
Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

Beauty is only skin deep. If you go after someone just because she's beautiful but don't have anything to talk about, it's going to get boring fast. You want to look beyond the surface and see if you can have fun or if you have anything in common with this person.
Amanda Peet

A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
Adlai E. Stevenson

A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience.
Wallis Simpson

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Mark Twain

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams

Judgment comes from experience - and experience comes from bad judgment.
Walter Wriston

There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.
Josh Billings

When you have really exhausted an experience you always reverence and love it.
Albert Camus

Holiday Blues??

I don't know what is wrong with me but I am in a rut...a funk...and I can't seem to climb out. I can't seem to get the motivation to do anything I usually do. I keep trying to bring myself back to the middle where I know what works but I can't. I think it's because I need challenge, change, and order in the same sentence. Beat that LOL. What ever am I going to do? I feel suffocated. Now that the stress of school is over for a few weeks I thought I would feel some relief...but I only feel lazy and unaccomplished. I keep telling myself that I need the downtime, don't worry about the house, don't worry about all the things you could be doing. I wanted to take this time to scrapbook, cook, deep clean, write, and catch up on lost time with my family. But I can barely get out of bed. I've come down with a cold that has hung on for over a week. I have no ambition. This is not like me. I feel like a bear in the winter. I know that I was desperate for a break but I didn't know my body and mind would nearly shut down...Now the relief I crave is my busy life. How ironic. Geez get it together mama.

Special Education

I was talking with someone today in casual conversation, telling them how excited I was to have this new job at the school, and how I couldn't wait to just go to dinner with my boyfriend after finals. She suggested a movie too. I proceeded to tell her how a movie was out of the question, I don't like to sit that long. I told her how I took Yoga last semester to fill a credit and it was torture (Yoga really is nice, but it's too slow for me). Another person turned to me and said, jokingly, "How are you going to teach Special Education if you don't have any patience?" Stopped me in my tracks. "I have patience" was the only reply to come out of my mouth. As I left, I had to think about that question. What makes you think you can teach children with special needs? As quickly as the question entered my mind I had an answer. I can teach children with special needs because I have endurance. Because I value perseverance. Because I have a creepy sense of what is lacking in a child, and also what is extraordinary. Because I'm not here to just have "patience" with them, but rather help them to explore their options, and conquer their strengths. My job will not be to merely sit there and try not to become aggravated. Each individual child is like a puzzle. If I put this here, will this other piece fit? NOPE! I'll have to move this one that way so this one will fit. Good! Now I have the corner piece! If I can get 4 corners, I can build up the middle! What is going to help them learn? The biggest misconception about Special Education is that these students are "retarded". Children with special needs are everywhere. A child that has been molested is withdrawn and doesn't trust adults, a child living in poverty with so little resources, they don't even have a back pack to bring to school. A child dealing with the loss of a parent may be aggressive. A genius child in math possibly cannot grasp the basics in phonics, a child that recently lost an arm in an accident has to learn to write with the other hand. I will use my multi-tasking, organizational, everyone gets the benefit of the doubt, you haven't seen everything, go hard or go home, sensitive, and...yes... patient nature to be an EXCELLENT Special Education teacher :-)

MUST READ INTRO BEFORE THIS POST BEFORE PROCEEDING ;-)

The Power of Persuasion in the Old West Overrides a Vision

Mormonism spawned much controversy in the settling of the Old West. Led by Joseph Smith Jr., many Mormons left Nauvoo, Illinois in 1845 to seek relief from persecution. With much optimism, as the romanticized west often upheld, the Mormons headed to the Great Salt Lake Valley to pursue “Zion”, a phrase used to describe God’s Kingdom on Earth (Kerstetter 45). The religious group soon realized, however, that even in the West, their right to worship as they pleased would come under intense scrutiny. America did not approve of the Mormons practice of polygamy. Although the Mormons did all they could to preserve their faith, their members may have came to the stark reality that in order for Utah to be granted statehood, some practices, or values as they were interpreted then, would have to be left behind. As Limerick states, the Western myth “has the undeniable charm of simplicity” (323). The Mormons were banking on that simplicity. When the Mormons headed west they had hoped for complete freedom to practice their religion as it was then. The Manifesto of 1890 publicly denounced the practice of polygamy. The current church President, Wilford Woodruff, announced the “Manifesto” as the word of God to his members. The political changes, diversity, and differing social standards in the Old West forced the Mormons to adjust their beliefs.

Hulet 2

In order to understand the controversy of polygamy and the Mormons, one must understand the history of The Church of Jesus Christ and of its founder; Joseph Smith Jr. Joseph Smith was born on December 23, 1805 in Sharon, Vermont. While living in New York during a period of religious revival so great it was named the “burned over district” (Van Wagoner 1), Joseph Smith claimed to have been visited by an angel named Moroni. Moroni instructed Smith of a place where he was to dig, for there were gold plates there. These gold plates were translated in the Book of Mormon. In 1830 The Church of Christ was formed under Smith. As Van Wagoner puts it, “God could not have chosen a better place, a better time, or a better people than early nineteenth century Americans for the [restoration of all things]” as Joseph Smith claimed the translation of the plates to be. Religions were splintering and people were soul searching (1). Joseph Smith Jr. married Emma Hale Smith in 1827. Although it was rumored that Smith practiced polygamy as early as the 1830’s, and was allegedly accused of inappropriate behavior towards several girls, he didn’t publicly practice polygamy until 1841. It was then that his first plural marriage to Loisa Beaman was “sealed” in an official ceremony (Van Wagoner 6). Ironically, Joseph Smith’s wife, Emma Hale Smith, was always devoutly against polygamy (Van Wagoner 20). In 1844, Joseph Smith Jr. was assassinated and Brigham Young assumed the Church Presidency. This history is very important because of several factors, mainly including the resistance Joseph was met with in the East, but also the religious revival of Joseph’s hometown has some scholars thinking he came up with the religion all on his own (Martin 26). All of these led up to a decision to go west. Brigham Young was more public in his practice of polygamy. Van Wagoner states:

Hulet 3

Once established in the Great Basin, church leaders were less concerned about hiding polygamy than they had been in Illinois. “That many have a

Large number of wives,” U.S, Army officer John W, Gunnison, leader of a government survey crew in Utah, noted in 1850, “is perfectly manifest to anyone residing among them, and indeed, the subject begins to be more openly discussed than formerly” (pp. 66-67). Brigham Young first publicly announced his own polygamous practices on 4 February 1851. “I have more wives than one,” he declared to the territorial legislature; “I have many and I am not ashamed to have it known” (Kenny 4 [4 Feb. 1852]: 12).

This statement by Brigham Young is proof that he was confident in the West being a place of more freedom for his members. He must have felt comfortable stating his beliefs. In 1846, Brigham Young led the Mormons to the Great Salt Lake Valley in the hope they could establish “Zion” in peace. Once the Mormon’s settled, more political upheaval made things difficult. President James Buchanan had ordered the U.S. Army to go west to restore order in Utah (Kertstetter 50). This was seen by the Mormons as a violation of their rights. Brown reminds us of the ethics of the Old West such as “masculine honor” (4) and “no duty to retreat” (2). The Mormons were no exception, and at first held their ground against the government. The tragedy of the Mountain Meadows Massacre is arguably proof that the Mormons were going to do everything they could to protect their “manifest destiny” (Udall 73). This political turmoil, however, divided Mormons on the issue of polygamy. After pressure from the

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Government in 1890, the current church President, Wilford Woodruff, announced to his followers, and to the entire nation, the Manifesto. The Manifesto publicly denounced polygamy after Woodruff allegedly had a “revelation” from God. In the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, the Manifesto reads as this:

. . . I, therefore, as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, do hereby, in the most solemn manner, declare that these charges [that leaders of the Church have taught, encouraged and urged the continuance of the practice of polygamy] are false. . . I hereby declare my intention to submit to those laws [passed against the practice of polygamy], and to use my influence with the members of the Church over which I preside to have them do likewise . . . and I now publicly declare that my advice to the Latter Day Saints is to refrain from contracting any marriage forbidden by the law of the land.

Again, when speaking directly to his Church, are excerpts regarding the Manifesto found in the Book of Mormon:

I have had some revelations . . . and I will tell you what the Lord has said to me. Let me bring your minds to what is termed the manifesto . . . The question is this: Which is the wisest course for the Latter Day Saints to pursue . . . to continue to attempt to practice plural marriage, with the laws of the nation against it and the opposition of sixty millions of people, and at the cost of the confiscation and loss of all the Temples . . . and the imprisonment of the First Presidency and Twelve. . .

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At the risk of excommunication, there were those that continued to practice polygamy. They believed it was the true and original vision of Joseph Smith Jr. This break away sect was “The Work”, which is now known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or the FLDS (Wall 8). The existence, or at least the assumption of the freedom in the Old West, gave those that held on to the values of the original Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the hope that they still would be able to practice their religious beliefs. At least to an extent, that is, without too much trouble. Although the government had been adamant about their views on polygamy as unlawful, the FLDS must have felt more comfortable in the West because they stayed there. They established sects in Utah, Arizona, Texas and Montana. Even in the New West, the group has been able to practice the original teachings of Joseph Smith Jr., including the practice of polygamy. There has been some trouble for the group, including raids which spawned much controversy, and the more recent arrest of FLDS Church leader Warren Jeffs. The politics and social standards were powerful enough in the Old West to split a religion that had, for the most part, held its ground under intense scrutiny for the last 50 years. As the West was being formed, politicians were probably trying to get a grip on the thin line between church and state with regards to what would become of Utah. Politicians may have felt threatened by the rapid growth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and its increasing influence. Settlers of the Old West were all trying to create their own lives based on their dream of the West. Non Mormons certainly would have felt threatened by the faith. They must have wondered of the Mormons influence would threaten their way of life. Polygamy was the main factor that threw up a

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red flag to politicians and settlers. As the West was transforming, settlers seem to have known what they wanted. They created a place where a difference of opinion, values, and beliefs were welcome, so long as it didn’t step on too many toes. Polygamy stepped on too many toes. Even the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or God, if you believe the Manifesto was a result of his word, made a compromise to fit into the Old West by abandoning polygamy. Mormon leaders argue it was a divine vision received by the Church’s President after a series of attacks against their liberty. A general sentiment was felt among Mormons that the government was trying to destroy their religion (Kertstetter 54). Members of the FLDS, as well as other religious scholars would say it was a political move to gain statehood (Solomon 11). This is a controversy of the interpretation of the facts of the Manifesto. The powerful myth of the West being a place of boundless opportunity is challenged in this controversy. Tompkins provides another point of view: “This West functions as a symbol of freedom, and of the opportunity for conquest. It seems to offer escape from . . . social entanglements . . . political injustice” (4). Brigham Young certainly was not feeling the freedom they had hoped for in the West. Joseph Smith probably saw it as a step up from the entanglements of the East. Woodruff must have felt it was the place to be. However, ask any member of the LDS Church in the New West how they feel about the Utah Expedition and the process of Utah gaining it’s statehood, and they will likely recount stories with a prideful tone. Stories of the long and hard winter are never left out. Stories of the trouble they had with the land and their eventual domination over it (agriculturally speaking). Stories of rapid membership growth, and their gentle dealings with the Indians. What seems to

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be left out by Mormons in today’s West, are usually things like the Mountain Meadows Massacre, a more recent Declaration to allow African Americans into the Priesthood, polygamy, and a very important Manifesto. This is all my own personal discussions with family that is Mormon, and other members of the Southern Utah community. Although not at all hidden from the public eye, the Manifesto doesn’t seem to be a big deal to the Mormons. Possibly because polygamy is just a part of the history they would rather leave out. “Zion”, as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints refer to the West, is turning out just as planned. Would Joseph Smith Jr. and Brigham Young agree today? Some of their “revelations” have been turned over. It seems that Americans like to choose what they remember about the Old West. That is what makes the West so appealing.

Polygamy in the New West is still thriving due to a view of the Old West as an “experience [that] permanently shaped the American character: hardy, optimistic, egalitarian, [and] impatient of intrusive authority” (Murdoch 3). There have been issues with the FLDS that have inhibited the church’s freedom in its entirety. Raids by the government often force polygamous families in to hiding and caused a lot of controversy (Szasz 156). Young girls have come forth with stories of abuse and rape by leaders of the FLDS (Wall 343). The imprisonment of leader Warren Jeffs in 2007 is another issue. However, there are still polygamous compounds all over the West, and it seems that as long as they stay fairly hidden from view, and women don’t speak out, they remain undisturbed. The New West is still a place of diversity and a certain understanding of personal rights. Polygamy is seen by many as a grey area in the first amendment. Many

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people just look the other way when it comes to polygamy. It may also be hard for the government to prove that families are polygamous because many wives are spiritual wives, sealed in that respect, not necessarily a formal document. Many polygamous wives and children don’t seem unhappy or abused at all. Although the Manifesto proved that the Old West wasn’t up for ANYTHING, it proves that the New West is still very tied to the values of that time.

In conclusion, the Manifesto split the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in to two separate religions. The Manifesto can be viewed as a desperate political move by Wilford Woodruff to gain statehood, and acceptance socially. The Manifesto can also be viewed as God’s word that polygamy is a sin. It all depends on who you talk to. If you believe Woodruff’s statements were motivated by a need for the West to accept the church, which ensured growth, it would certainly challenge the other profits of the church and their revelations. It would prove the power of persuasion in the old West. If you believe his Manifest came straight from God, it would have been very conflicting in the Old West, as Mormons were taught to practice polygamy. The Manifesto overrode a vision by Joseph Smith Jr. Now of course, Mormons have been practicing their religion for the last 115 years without polygamy. When they admire Brigham Young do they also admire his staunch support of this practice? The way current members of the LDS church remember the move and settlement of the West as it was passed down from generation to generation somehow leaves out any indication of polygamy. They are remembering the history how it suits them. This is a common problem in remembering

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the Old West. The independence of thought and defensiveness of personal rights in that time, however, is still seen today. How else could the FLDS have survived? The old

West was a powerful force. It accepted, denied, adjusted, and created the kind of place it wanted to be. I think all sides could agree, at least in part, to that.

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Works Cited

Book of Mormon Doctrine and Covenants Pearl of Great Price. The Church of Jesus

Christ of Latter Day Saints, 1982.

Brown, Richard Maxwell. “Violence.” The Oxford History of the American West.

Clyde A Milner II, Carol A. O’Conner, and Martha A. Sandweiss, eds.

New York: Oxford UP, 1994. 771-800.

Kerstetter, Todd M. God’s Country, Uncle Sam’s Land: Faith and Conflict in the

American West. Urbana and Chicago: University of Illinois Press, 2006.

Limerick, Patricia Nelson. The Legacy of Conquest. New York: Norton, 1987.

Martin, Dr.Walter. The Maze of Mormonism. Ventura: Regal Books, 1978.

Murdoch, David Hamilton. The American West: The Invention of a Myth.

Reno: U of Nevada P, 2001.

Solomon, Dorothy Allred. Daughters of the Saints. New York: W.W. Norton &

Company, 2003.

Szasz, Ferenc Morton, Religion in the Modern American West. Tuscon: U of Arizona

P, 2000.

Tompkins, Jane. West of Everything: The Inner Life of Westerns. New York: Oxford

UP, 1992.

Udall, Stewart L. The Forgotten Founders: Rethinking the History of the Old West.

Washington: Island Press, 2002.

Van Wagoner, Richard S. Mormon Polygamy: A History. Salt Lake City: Signature

Books, 1989.

Wall, Elissa, and Lisa Pulitzer. Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a

Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of

Warren Jeffs. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 2008.

On Mormonism

This one above (like other posts) is a paper I wrote. If you can get past the in text citations, you might enjoy the information. Sorry if I offend anyone, but the research is valid (works cited at the end). I've spent years researching the LDS Church because when I moved to Utah as a damaged teenager I wanted to know everything (I never leap before I look). There will probably be more to come. Please keep in mind that religion is about faith. Faith has no clear substance. It is based on what lives inside you. I would never try to take that away from anyone. Don't take it personal, or do...either way I don't care.

I could argue ANY religion if I had the time to research. ;-) Just sayin

Where I came from...

Eleven years old, I arrive for practice, although we never called it that. “Gym” was what I had that day and everyday after school for the better part of my childhood. The coolness of the gym air against my body in nothing but a leotard quickly turns to a flush warm as stretches begin. I am mesmerized by the “big girls”, as we liked to call them. I imitate their confidence and concentration. We all sit and find a place along the mat block to start timing for the dreaded “super splits”. My front foot from the ankle up on the block, the rest of my body on the floor. My legs start to shake and burn. When I was 9, super splits made me cry. I try not to count, because it always takes longer that way.

Bars is the first rotation that day. The smell of wet chalk and iodine for “rips” is familiar. We all stand at the chalk bucket first squirting our grips with water, and then using the chalk block on them for good glue. I like to rub the block only in a thin strip down the middle of my grips, being sure to leave them damp. Somehow I think it keeps me on the bar better. A little of the powdered stuff followed by a clap and a cloud and I’m ready. It’s like putting on socks and shoes. Repetitious and superstitious for many of us. During this chalk ritual I can hear the bars give from the “giant swings” behind me. My brain subconsciously counts to 10 before I hear the mat catch her. Everyday. 3 sets of 10 giants to warm up. Around and around like the hands of a clock around it’s’ center, only much faster. I feared giants. I’d fallen so many times that my heart pounded and my palms beaded with sweat as I jumped from the low bar to the high to begin my sets. Once I lost my grip, unfortunately I was completely upside down. I scraped the front of my face as I came down on the bar. A solid stripe from my forehead to the tip of my nose. Boys in the 5^th grade don’t think that’s pretty. My mind can’t help but replay those moments. Breath, breath, be calm, relax, focus, tap your toes, hollow out. I talk to myself. My coach’s voice gives me direction. TI!! With his Chinese accent. So I squeeze the muscles in my back and legs. Took me 2 years to understand his ramblings.

Beam is the second rotation. Four feet high, 4 inches wide, and 16 feet long. Aerials have been on my mind. A cartwheel with no hands on beam is a notable skill sure to be noticed by the big girls. I start on the floor, using a line made of tape as a guide. Focused solely on the tape and blue floor behind it. Everything else is distant noise. “That’s enough”, yells my coach. “Up high!” Her accent is more subtle. My coaches arrived in America in 1985. China received the team bronze medal in Women’s and the silver in Men’s Gymnastics in the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. They loved the States so they came here shortly after, settling in Las Vegas. They brought their sharpness with them. Standing on the beam with one foot in front of the other, all my weight in my back leg. Jiani stands below me to the side. Her tiny hand at my waist, barely touching. “You don’t need a spot!” Translation: I’m only going to stand here in case you can’t land it. Really I have no intention of spotting you. I’m only standing here for your security of mind. This is why I stutter a few times. Lifting my front leg up as if I’m going to take the plunge. Deep breath, count to three. . . wait, I’m not ready! Start over. One, two, three, and I go. Her hand floats through me, giving me the confidence I need. Gymnastics was psychological battlefield for me.

Quotes I love

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."~ Sophia Loren

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." -Carl Buehner

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

- M. Scott Peck

The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.

- W. E. B. Du Bois

One of the first things a relationship therapist learns is that couples argue to burn up energy that could be used for something else. In fact, arguments often serve the purpose of using up energy, so that the couple do not have to take the courageous, creative leap into an unknown they fear. Arguing serves the function of being a zone of familiarity into which you can retreat when you are afraid of making a creative breakthrough.

- Gay Hendricks

I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.

- Georg C. Lichtenberg

People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.

- Edwin H. Friedman

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.

- Barbara De Angelis

Someone asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

- Gloria Steinem

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Tourettes Syndrome

Tic, Tic, Tic

In Teaching the Tiger, Darin reflects in adulthood what living with Tourette’s Syndrome was like: “How did school go today?” I tic tic wish fidget scratch I tic were scratch twitch more wink tic wink like the swallow tic twitch other fidget kids tic swallow scratch at wink fidget tic tic pop school sigh blink tic.” “I know you do, dear.” Tourette’s was discovered by Georges Gilles de la Tourette. Doctors have concluded that Tourette’s is overwhelmingly genetic, although parents may not notice their own symptoms. Christner and Dieker note that it is common for sufferers of tic disorders to also have other learning disabilities, ADHD, ADD, but most common is OCD (2). In order to diagnose a Chronic Single Tic Disorder, the patient must have multiple motor tics, at least one vocal tic, and have occurred almost every day or intermittently for more than 12 months. Onset is usually by the age of 7, but must be by the age of 21 to be considered Tourette’s. Transient Tic Disorder is different in that the symptoms may change in type, location, frequency, and severity. Chronic Multiple Tic Disorder is characterized by motor OR vocal tics, but not both. Approximately 10-15% of those diagnosed with Tourette’s will develop coprolalia, which is the involuntary vocalizations such as cursing (Dornbush and Pruitt 9, 11).

Motor tics can be the flailing of arms or legs, jerking, facial grimacing, hand clenching, clapping, spitting, and many other physical movements. Vocal tics are usually seen as throat

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clearing, gasping, making motor noises, but also can be shouting, snorting, clicking, or even laughing, just to name a few. Tic disorders can be treated with medication in severe cases. Most cases are mild and are best treated by the acceptance, understanding, and the encouragement of family, teachers, and friends (Packer, np). In the article “Locus of Control, Perceived Parenting Style, and Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression in Children with Tourette’s Syndrome”, the authors suggest that a there is a higher rate of anxiety and depression among children that have an external locus of control, meaning that they don’t believe they can control their thoughts, or that they are not responsible for their surroundings (Cohen et al. 2). There are some children whose symptoms nearly disappear by adolescence, and others that get worse. Many sufferers learn more control and thus their tics seem less in adulthood.

Teaching a student with TS can be challenging. Motor and vocal tics can be disruptive to other students. There must be acceptance and an understanding of the disorder from peers, and just as important, patience from the teacher. A child with TS cannot control the tics. They may be able to hold them in for a while, but eventually they have to get them out. A beautiful clip of several young children coping with Tourette’s tells the story at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPmpIY7XJVE. Dornbush and Pruitt stress the importance that the teachers “remain aware that the student is being bombarded with internal stimuli” (35). A teacher reflects on her student with TS: “In fact, just when I thought I had one of the boys all figured out, his

tics changed leading to a resulting change in behavior. I tried instructional strategies that worked for a while and then suddenly become ineffective” (Christner and Dieker, 1). The TS student often has bad handwriting, difficulty following verbal instructions and completing work, disorganization of work, and is often inattentive or distracted (Prestia, 2). As noted before, many TS sufferers also exhibit OCD

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symptoms and so that must be taken into consideration in the classroom. Praising the student frequently encourages him, motivates him, and gives him a feeling of self worth. As one article explores the profound importance of this confidence, the lack thereof can be devastating (Cohen et al. 2). Teaching the Tiger gives hundreds of tips, everything from inclusion to long division. An issue in School Psychology Review suggests that habit reversal using competing responses is a great tool in reducing the severity of tics (Bray et al. 1).

My son started showing symptoms when he was about 3. He used to complain that his bum hurt, so I would softly rub his little bum every night in bed. His body was so tense from the tics it was making him sore. He still sleeps with a heating pad. He blinked a lot. He made funny faces that I would desperately ask him to stop. He frequently had night terrors. He responded to many situations by hitting himself, or, for example, the table that he stubbed his toe on. It wasn’t until his 6^th birthday that I decided to challenge my pediatrician’s assumption that kids have tics, and eventually they will stop. I’ll never forget sitting outside at Fiesta Fun Center where we decided to celebrate his birthday. He was so excited, and his tics became more noticeable that afternoon. It alarmed me, and so I sat for 15 minutes or so, trying to figure out if he could stop. Coaxing him to relax and concentrate on holding still made them more pronounced. I realized that day that he couldn’t help it, so I followed up with a neurologist and the doctor confirmed he had a mild form of Tourette’s. His kindergarten teacher barely noticed anything besides the throat clearing. His first grade teacher noticed the eye blinking. At home he would let it all out. Throat clearing, stretching his face, blinking, shaking his arms, or kicking out a leg. It made nightly reading a real challenge. I couldn’t imagine how difficult it must be for him to focus on a sentence in a book, only to be jolted by a tic, and have to try and pick up where he left off. I noticed that the tics gained momentum when he was nervous, in an unfamiliar place, around unfamiliar people, tired, or angry. His 2^nd grade teacher called me one day and said she thought he was going to have a

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seizure, even after I explained Tourette’s to her. Some children have made comments to him, but he has dealt with them well. He is very popular in school, a bit of a class clown sometimes, and well above his grade level most subjects. He is struggling in math this year, learning about borrowing and carrying over. Trying to keep his numbers in columns so he can see what he is doing is a bit of a challenge. A visit to his assigned desk one day revealed that he destroys his pencils. Shaving them, cutting them, and ripping the erasers off. Little does he know, he is probably successfully suppressing his tics, saving them for a more appropriate time. He doesn’t notice his tics. He doesn’t need intervention at this point. I have asked the Special Education Director at his school to check on him periodically. She offered him some jolly ranchers one day. She said, “Nick, these might help you when you feel like you need to make that noise in your throat.” His reply was, “I don’t really think that’s necessary.” There are children whose symptoms disappear as they get older. There are others that get worse. Only time will tell. Helping my son to help himself is what motivated me to major in Special Education. If I can help other children succeed as I have my own son, I will be satisfied.

On the history of change...

Although I’ve never been an “arts” person, discovering how they relate to what else is going on in society was very interesting. The movement, intensity, action, and energy of visual art in the baroque era tied directly to the themes in Renaissance when Europe is in a frenzy. It displays the move into humanism.

Each person has the right to find their own answer. People are going crazy with ideas. Ingenuity sparks creative use of their talents. Even the economy gets creative. Society makes the move into capitalism. Da Vinci is a perfect example. He was a painter, inventor, engineer, musician, botanist, geologist, and the list goes on. The epitome of a multi-tasker. And what else would follow a period of thought and creativity, but a shift in the way we view the world, which inevitably leads to rational thought and some great answers! “I have all these ideas in my head, now how I can I make it more efficient?” That’s how I see it, anyway. And so Bacon, Galileo, Newton, Locke, and others seek to “perfect” the randomness of the renaissance. The scientific method, the measurable, the separation of soul and body are the responses to the renaissance.

Once all the brave new answers have been discovered, everything changes. The real stuff is what we can experiment, which is nearly everything. I believe Romanticism to be the exhaustion of the mind. I relate it to a thing I like to call “back to the middle”. Sometimes my life gets so hectic with kids and work and school and mommy things. My brain is on fire, I don’t sleep, I lose weight because I don’t have time to eat. I have so many ideas for educating, my house is always a mess, I’m sure you get the point. But there is always a moment when I realize that I need to come back to the middle. I focus on myself, and how I can improve as a person and a mother. I take a deep breath, and I stop. When I do gain momentum again it is deliberately slow to remind myself that there is a person inside that machine. A person whose natural instinct is to love and be loved. That is what the transition to Romanticism is to me. Why do we feel the way we do? Stop and breathe, your brain needs a break.

I thought about a question raised in one of the lectures. Has the progress of the arts and science contributed more to the corruption or purification of morals? In a sense, yes, without a doubt. But as some would say about , say, chemotherapy. It’s awful, but the end result can be worth it, depending on what you value. My children love video games. I love facebook. Many people can’t go 5 minutes without texting. Technological advancements can make our lives easier, more fun, and very cool. However, I am confident in the cycle of things that eventually there will be a time of balance. A time when we all realize that moderation is the key. I can see some of it now. The time of indulgence and the rise of obesity has led to a fad of diets. Low fat this, skinny that, and break through exercise regimens. We create ratings on video games and internet parental controls. A society will eventually take steps to change the things that aren’t working. It might take a while, but eventually we’ll come back to the middle. And after that, things will get crazy again, we’ll have new problems to solve, and we’ll find new answers.